In the late 90s, I was the interim pastor at a church that was struggling. It had once been a thriving, vibrant congregation, but had been in decline for 20 years, and recently experienced another setback. Due to internal and leadership problems, 60 to 70 percent of the congregation left and was no longer attending. I was in what they called a “town hall meeting,” and observed as one by one, members rose to tell about what they were feeling. As I listened, it came to me that what they were describing was grief.

When they asked me to give input as to what was being said, I shared my feelings about their grieving. What was interesting is that they had never considered that they were in the process of grief. Just giving words to their situation began to move them forward. I also noticed that the individual members were in different stages of grief. Some were moving on quicker than others. Some were stuck, some were coping, some could see the future, and others could not.

As I consider what is happening due to COVID-19, I am convinced that the church is grieving. Pastors and staff, along with members are grieving. We are grieving individually, and we are grieving collectively.

The Coronavirus has brought about massive changes in our lives. The way we do school is changing, and parents, teachers, and administrators are facing difficult choices. High school seniors are missing opportunities they have looked forward to for years. Birthdays are celebrated in front yards with drive-bys rather than parties. The way we shop has changed. Beth and I did not get to physically say goodby to our daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren as they moved half-way around the world to Guam.

Change is stressful regardless of its source. Things are changing in our churches. We cannot gather and worship in ways we have become accustomed to. The virus has affected even the smallest of groups. And the list can go on…

Change is loss

Any change involves some sort of loss. Linsky and Heifetz write,

“…people don’t resist change…they resist loss.”

We have experienced the loss of many things as a result of COVID-19, and it has moved us into the unknown and reminds us that we are not in control.

Loss requires grief

Grief is a natural, messy response to loss. We usually associate grief with death and the loss of a loved one, but it comes about as a result of any change or end of patterns and relationships we are accustomed to. Grief takes us down the path of a number of powerful emotions such as sorrow, issues with temper, anger, guilt, etc. and leads us to physical reactions and actions.

Understanding Grief

Each person experiences and deals with grief in different ways. The five non-linear stages of grief outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross are applicable during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Denial: Along with issues like losing a loved one, losing a job, or prolonged illness, COVID-19 has shocked us. We express our disbelief. “How can something like this happen?” We struggle with confusion and uncertainty. We make statements of disbelief or challenges to given facts.

• A COVID Response? This isn’t as bad as they say.

Anger: The initial shock and dismay usually pulses outward into powerful emotions. We struggle with frustration, powerlessness, and anger. Often our anger is directed toward God, but it may manifest itself in anger towards self and others, including pastors, leaders, family, and friends.

• A COVID Response: You’re not going to make me wear a mask.

Bargaining: As people begin to gain some perspective regarding the implications of the changes they are facing, they often look for ways to postpone the effects of the change, minimize the pain, or seek to find some way to negotiate its outcome.

• A COVID Response: If I practice social distancing for two weeks, everything will be better, right?

Depression: At this stage, people will struggle with feelings of fear, guilt, regret, sorrow, and other negative emotions. There may be a tendency to give up and turn inward. We struggle with mood shifts and low energy. Our sleep, thoughts, and appetite may be affected.

• A COVID Response: What’s the use? Everything has changed. Things will never be the same.

Acceptance: An essential part of dealing with change and loss is to move to the stage of acceptance. At this stage, we may still experience sorrow, but we begin to move forward. We embrace change and shift from what is lost to what is gained. We find new patterns and rhythms for living and expressing our faith.

• A COVID Response: These changes are real, and I will figure out how to proceed.

How can we move on?

• Name the change and the loss
• Feel the sorrow and the pain
• Be aware that those with whom you interact may not be at the same stage as you
• Accept the change
• Adjust life patterns and rhythms and recover

How can we help others?

Although it is difficult to listen to someone with emotional pain, experts say one of the best ways to help a grieving person is to give them a chance to talk. Most people dealing with grief need to feel connected to someone who will listen. Listening is more important than having the right words to say. Here are a few points to keep in mind:

• Understand where you are in your own grieving process
• Don’t expect others to be at the same point of recovery as you
• Give people space and time to work through their grief
• Be accessible but don’t push yourself on others

Have faith. As we preserver, the Lord will take us through this season of change, loss, and grief.